In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my shit smells like andre
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
