I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
