sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
