**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
