The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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