I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
