and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
