I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
