I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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