I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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