hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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