I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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