what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
