With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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