Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
