Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
