i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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