And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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