worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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