think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
