Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
