worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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