did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
