dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
