dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
