drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
