i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
