I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
