i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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