1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
