I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
