Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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