I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
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Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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