somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
