I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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