Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
