i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
