Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Please don't give away my fajitas
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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