you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
