Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
