everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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