just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
