NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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