Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
