Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
