please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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