if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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