I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
