Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We are two peas in an std pod
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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