Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
