WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
