i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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