I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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