last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
