is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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