i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
