You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
